How can I say goodbye?

I dropped by the church this afternoon--Friday--though it is my day off...just to check in and say hi and be there. Just that.

I am confounded, befuddled, confused and bewildered by how I can possibly 'say good-bye' to this place and these people who have been a part of my life for so long, so fully and have healed me and made me whole in so many ways....

I'm down to 42 days and 6 Sundays and I'm terrified, frustrated, almost crazy with proleptic grief.

It has finally 'hit me' that this is for real--this isn't just another one of my schemes or ideas or plans. This is going to happen.

Maybe I'll drive down on Friday afternoon and sit in the parking lot of St. John's for a few months.

Maybe I'll just go crazy.

All will be well, I know that from the depths of my being.

Right now, I can't imagine that or deal with it.

How can I ever say 'good bye'?