Really embarrassed and sorry...

I just read last night's post again and 'embarrassed' isn't a word to convey what I felt reading what I wrote about Bela.

I love him so. Have for almost 12 years. He's never been an easy dog so loving him has made me a better person. (Ever notice that? How loving someone who isn't terribly 'lovable' makes you a better person than you would have been?) And I'm so embarrassed I shared that with you. But, you might remember, I wrote a post back on August 3 (go look at it if you missed it) when I said 'grief' for me comes out as anger.

So when you die, I'll be mad. Just bear that in mind and don't die.

Death doesn't frighten me--it makes me angry.

I resent death more than I fear it. Funny, I always berate people who 'don't like change'. I tell them "that's the way life is, get used to it, embrace and rejoice in it...."

But Death, the ultimate 'change', makes me angry. (Just like Jonah when God sends a worm to kill the tree that gives him shade on the hillside above Ninevah: "I'm so angry I could die!" Jonah says.)

Got I hate it when things die. Or are diminished as Bela is. As my father was before his death. As so many of the people I have served as a priest have been before they died. It makes me crazy angry.

So, a new thing to make me a better person if I am courageous enough to embrace it--start loving the people who 'hate change'.

Because I do too--it's just for me the change I hate is death.

Pray for me as I hold you all in my heart though I'm not sure who all of you are....