the most important little things....

I spent an hour or so today with a woman in her 90's who had a mastectomy on Monday and is already home and fine.

We talked about how she was 'fine' and her knitting and birds and cats and my daughter's rescuing a parakeet on the streets of Manhattan, and wild birds and then her daughter, who is older than me, came by to check on us and we talked about cancer and the new ownership of the market in the little town where they live and about the churches of the Cluster and priests old and new and the fact that her great-great-granddaughter, age 2, was coming to visit this weekend.

Well, I just don't know how people who have big important things cope with it all. And I know how wondrously privileged I am to be able to talk about little things with sweet and wonderful and normal people.

Being a priest, I once told someone, was 'walking around and talking and listening a lot'. Not a bad job description now that I ponder it.

So, I get to share 'the most important little things' with people and have for 37 years now. We talk about cancer and fear and the cardinal in the bird feeder outside her window and cow birds and her knitting (which to me is on the level of nuclear physics and brain surgery--but is a little thing to her) and about how her cat named 'Peanut Butter' was interested in me this time rather than running to the bedroom and hiding and how rare days in June can truly be.

What I've learned over all those years talking to thousands of people about little things is how important it is to talk about little things and honor them and find wonder and miracle in them and just sit and talk or sit and not talk with unique, but very ordinary people.

I gave her communion and anointed her and prayed with her and drove  home wondering what to have for lunch and pondering how humbled and honored I am to spend my life talking about those most important little things with people who fill my heart with joy and teach me how truly marvelous human beings are.

Not a bad way to spend a late morning altogether....

Sleeping atitudes

I watched Maggie, the parakeet sleep for a long time the other day. She had one leg tangled up in one of her bells and stood on the other foot. Her head leaned against the bell. Looked pretty uncomfortable to me but it seemed to work for her. As far as I can tell, birds always sleep standing up. The only time I've seen birds lying down is when they are dead. The Big Sleep.

Bela, the dog, sleeps mostly on one side or the other with his legs straight out. But at night, when it's cool, he climbs into the window at the head of our bed and stretches out on this stomach. From time to time I wake up and find him at the foot of the bed, laying on his back with his back legs down and his front legs folded on his chest.

Lukie the cat has the most variety in sleeping attitudes. I've often seen him on his back like Bela at the foot of the bed. He's so cute like that. But he sleeps stretched out on his stomach too--which makes him look really long since his tail is almost the length of his body. Occasionally I'll find him on one side or the other but not much. My favorite way Luke sleeps in tightly rolled in a ball with his tail wrapped around himself so you can't tell where he begins or ends unless an ear is sticking out.

I normally sleep on my right side with my right arm under the two pillows I use. But more and more these days I find myself sleeping on my left side, almost on my back but with my left cheek on the pillows..

Since I haven't asked her if I could tell you, we'll let Bern's sleeping positions remain a mystery. Suffice it to say, she has almost as many sleeping poses as Luke but not the rolled in a ball thing....

Before I found out I have sleep apnea, I had more sleeping positions, most of them sitting upright, sometimes stopped at a red light in my car. Not a smart attitude for sleep....

I don't know if your posture in sleep tells anything about you or not. I could probably Google it and find 270,000 places that would tell me about that. But I won't, I don't think. I just find it interesting.

Tegan, our grand-daughter, age 3, can go to sleep in almost any position and 'all at once'. I can almost remember that, but I can't do it anymore. Young children, it seems to me, define the term "falling asleep"--it's just like 'falling down': one minute you're upright the next moment you're on your face. Kids really "fall" asleep. Just like that.

I've heard as you age you find sleep harder and harder to find. I'm not that old yet. Eight hours is my minimum. And since I'm mostly retired, I can do that. And I do love to sleep. That's my final attitude about sleep. I love it. And the dreams...oh, my dreams....

HAIR

One thing I've never worried about is hair. I've always had a lot of it, enough to make my balding friends resent me for it.

And I've worn it long for decades--since the 60's, my hair has often been shoulder length and because it's very wavy, it has looked amazing--so full and so out of control.

Even today, an aging white man, my hair is several inches below my ears on the sides and below my collar--if I wore shirts with collars, which I don't.

The only two things that have changed is that my  hair, which used to be dark, dark brown, is now white and gray and I seem to be going bald right above my nose in the middle of a muddle of hair.

I have been losing hair there--not on top where Male Pattern Balding happens, or through receding hairline (my hairline, as always, is pretty much straight across).

But when I brush my hair I notice spots of scalp in the area right in the front middle of my hair. I imagine it could eventually be like a reverse 'Mohawk' do, with hair everywhere except down the middle of my head.

I'm not so much concerned--I have lots of hair and can grow it long enough that no one would notice unless they're looking....which, it now occurs to me, they may be if they read this blog.....

So it goes.

Going to Baltimore

We're going to Baltimore tomorrow morning to be with those mischievous and wondrous three granddaughters of ours. Their school is out and they are going to the beach in Delaware with another family next week. But this week they are ours as their lawyer mom and dad work more hours than it is healthy to work.

Oh, what mischief we'll get into with them and what tales will tell them. I'm going to teach them how to count money and play checkers. Bern will entertain them much more than me but I will cook all week and feed them.

I also hope to see two special people while we're there: Sister Jeremy Daigler (who our daughter is named after) and my favorite cousin, Mejol and perhaps her two kids and two grandkids.

Jeremy and I, along with a Catholic priest named Roger (I think) drove each weekday during the summer of 1974 to a mental hospital in Maryland where we did what's called CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education). I'd drive from Alexandria each morning and pick up the two of them in DC and then head north. We had a great supervisor, Don Fergus, who was from New Zealand and we learned how to be with crazy people--something very valuable in parish ministry.

Jeremy is a Sister of Mercy and always believed (back then) that women would be ordained in the Roman Catholic Church in her life-time. One thing I want to ask her, now that we're in our 60's, is if she still believes that.

We worked at a huge mental hospital with hundreds of patients, probably closed now since we some where along the line decided to let crazy people be homeless and even more crazy out in the world. One of the patients called Jeremy "Germany" so Roger and I did too. Sister Germany was part of one of the most intense 3 months of my life and I haven't seen her since. I really look forward to that.

I was the youngest of 15 first cousins on my mothers side of the family and the youngest, by far, of 3 cousins on my father's side of the family. And Mejol was the one who mattered.

My parents had decided they weren't going to have children though they wanted them and in a way had adopted Mejol as a companion and surrogate daughter before I was born. Mejol went with us on vacations. We always went to the Smokey Mountains for vacation. Why in hell would people who lived in the mountains go to 'the mountains' for vacation? But we did. Gattlinsburg, TN and Cherokee, NC were where we went and most times Mejol went with us.

Mejol taught me how to be a human being in many ways. One when I was 13 or so, she shut me up in her room with a Bob Dylan album and a copy of Catcher in the Rye and wouldn't let me out until I'd finished both. That was, I believe, the day I grew up.

Also, when I graduated from High School I drove my Aunt Georgia, Mejol's mom and my mother's younger sister, to New Orleans, where Mejol was living. Or maybe we took the train. I don't remember but Aunt Georgie and I traveled a lot together. Anyway, though people who know me now can't believe it, I graduated from high school without ever tasting alcohol. I was the consummate 'good boy' and quite a prude in high school. So Mejol took me down to Bourbon Street and got me stinking drunk in Al Hurt's club.

I've always liked Dixieland and alcohol since then.

Mejol, in many ways, taught the 'too good kid' how to be a bit naughty.

And I've thanked her for it ever since.

So, what a perfect week it could be---Morgan, Emma, Tegan, Josh, Cathy, Jeremy and Mejol!

Though we have to leave Bela in the kennel and Luke and birdy Maggy in the care of Johanna, the high school Junior from next door, it should be wondrous.....

(Johanna, it seems to me, is the kind of  'good girl' that is like the 'good boy' I was. I hope she has an older first cousin to teach her 'naughty'....)

So, I might not blog much next week, if at all. But come back for tales of Baltimore.....

What you can't allow yourself to imagine....

Today I officiated at the funeral and burial of young man--just 27--who was killed in a motorcycle accident.

Here is what I want you to know, if you have children, you cannot allow yourself to imagine what that young man's parents are going though, will go through, can never forget.

My 37 years as a priest tells me this as powerfully as it tells me anything: you cannot allow yourself to imagine what it means to lose a child to death.

I have two children, both older than Nelson, who I helped bury today. And I am hard-wired not to be able to imagine what it would be like if either Mimi or Josh died. My mind and soul shuts down before I can begin to imagine that in any way.

In my 37 years as a priest one thing I have learned, over and over, too many times, is that there is nothing so full of pain and cognitive dissonance as the death of a child of yours.

Nothing to be said. Nothing to do--other than just be there as a non-anxious presence when people go through what you can't allow yourself to imagine.

If you pray, pray for Nelson and Jordie and their daughter Jen as they go through what you and I cannot allow ourselves to imagine.

No one, who has not lost a child to death, has any idea whatsoever what they are feeling or what this all means (or doesn't mean, since 'meaning' doesn't even apply.

Don't even try to imagine what it feels like to lose a child. That way lies madness.

But mourn with Nelson and Jordie. Mourning is what is appropriate.

And probably all we can do....Probably all we can do.....

Why I'm an Episcopalian...

This is a sermon about a decade ago, just before the General Convention in Minneapolis that made decisions that changed the Episcopal Church forever regarding human sexuality.

I thought I'd share it because I ponder the future of my church a lot and this was some pondering 10 years ago that might be informative to us today, as we ponder.....

Why I’m an Episcopalian….

July 27, 2003

This little book is called 101 Reasons to be an Episcopalian. Since much of what I want to say today is about the Episcopal Church, I’m going to read several of them to you as we go along.

# 87 by a woman priest from Florida: “We don’t have all the answers and we welcome others who love the questions.”

# 86 by a laywoman in Rochester: “Catholic, without the pope and with women; protestant without the gloom….”

Tomorrow at 9:55 a.m., God willing and the creek don’t rise, I’ll be on an airplane headed to Minneapolis, Minnesota and the General Convention of the Episcopal Church as one of our Diocese’s 4 clergy deputies.

I want you to know this: I am both proud and humbled to be one of the four priests representing the Diocese of Connecticut at the General Convention. Proud and humbled—both at the same time…. Both together…. Just like that….

Reason # 52: “this is the only church that is as lovingly loony as your family.” Mary Lyons, Diocese of Olympia

#80—a layman from Atlanta: “We don’t quiz you on your beliefs before worshipping with you.”

What I want to tell you about the General Convention of our church is this (it’s a quote from Dame Julian of Norwich): “All will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well….”

That’s not the message you will hear in the news media about the goings-on at General Convention. What you will hear—unless you log on the St. John’s web site and get my “reports” from the Convention—is this: the church is in a mess it can’t get out of…everything is falling apart…the Episcopal Church is about to split asunder and blow up like a cheap balloon.

My advice is this: don’t listen to that negative stuff.

My mantra is this: “all will be well….”

***

In today’s gospel, Jesus walks on water.

Twenty years ago or more now, one of my favorite poets, the late Denise Levertov, said this: “The crisis of faith is the crisis of imagination. If we cannot imagine walking on the waters, how can we meet Jesus there?”

Denise Levertov said that at a conference of poets and theologians. For my money, you couldn’t beat that combination—poets and theologians…people who anguish over “language” and people who fret about “God”. Poets and theologians—now you’re talking….

***

Let’s cut to the chase—the real issue facing the General Convention, in one way or another, is the issue of homosexuality.

There is a remarkable amount of disagreement within the Episcopal Church about homosexuality. And that disagreement will come to the General Convention in several ways. It will come up over the confirmation of the election of Gene Robinson as the next bishop of New Hampshire. Gene Robinson has been a priest for 30 years. He is currently the assistant to the Bishop of New Hampshire. He heads committees for the national church. He happens to be a gay man in a committed relationship with another man.

There are 10 other elections of Bishops that will come to the General Convention. Not since the 1870’s has the larger church overruled the choice of a Diocese as their bishop. And the 10 other bishops elected in the last 3 months will be approved by General Convention without debate and unanimously. But not Gene Robinson….

If I were a betting man, I’d say the odds of Gene Robinson being approved by General Convention are 4 to 1 in favor. And when that happens you will read and hear how the Episcopal Church is about to fly apart and self-destruct.

I would urge you not to believe that.

I would urge you to believe this instead: “all will be well….”

One thing the Episcopal Church is blessed with in abundance is “imagination.” We will walk on the waters…. And all will be well….

#32 by Elizabeth Geitz, a Canon at the Cathedral of the Diocese of New Jersey: “The Episcopal Church taught me that Jesus came to challenge, not just comfort; to overturn, not maintain; to love, not judge; to include, not cast aside.

Most likely the Convention will also vote on whether or not to ask the Standing Liturgical Commission to prepare a ritual for the blessing of committed relationships outside of marriage. No matter what you hear in the media—General Convention is not voting to approve “gay marriages”.

“Marriage” is a function of the state, not the church, so General Convention has no say in “marriage law”. Because of Connecticut state law, an Episcopal priest can legally sign a marriage license as an “agent of the state”. What I do, as a priest, in a marriage, is ask God’s blessing on the commitment and fidelity of the man and woman. What General Convention will most likely consider is whether there should be a service to bless the monogamous, faithful, life-long relationship of two people that is not marriage. The resolution is, in one way, separating what the “church does” from what the “state does.” If that resolution passes—and I’d put the odds at 2 to 1 in favor of it passing—the church will develop, over the next three years, a ritual to bless “relationships” other than marriage.

If that resolution passes, you will hear that Liberals and Conservatives are about to tear our church apart. I’d urge you to suspend your judgment and remember this: “all will be well, all manner of things will be well….”

# 11, Barbara Ross, Diocese of Oregon: “At our best, Episcopalians can respectfully disagree about a great many things—and still break bread together.”

#13, by Carter Heyward of Massachusetts, one of the first 7 women ordained a priest…before the General Convention approved women’s ordination: “We believe that love without justice is sentimentality.”

There is a sense of daja vu about all the media hype about this year’s General Convention. The Episcopal Church and the Anglican Communion, critics said, were about to implode and fragment a quarter of a century ago over revision of the Prayer Book and the ordination of women.

And it is true that a small number of Episcopalians chose to leave the church after those changes. But the great schism nay-sayers predicted did not happen. We had the patience and imagination to walk on stormy waters. And, if we in the Episcopal Church can find—in the midst of great conflict and disagreement—if we can find “our better selves” we can walk on waters again.

The secret to our “imagination” as a church is that we Episcopalians—deep-down, value “each other” more than we cling to our divisions. And we are, as a church, dominated by a commitment to Justice.

Reason #62 of the 101 reasons to be an Episcopalian comes from Nancy Vogel of the Diocese of Vermont: “Despite or perhaps because of our present disagreements in the Episcopal Church I am reminded that God calls us all together because we aren’t WHOLE without each other.”

Reason #68, a lay person from New York: “I love our church because we don’t think UNITY means UNIFORMITY.”

“All will be well” with us, if we can cling to our passionate commitment to “be together” in the midst of deep differences. We Episcopalians are the only denomination that is practiced at that. Somehow, over our history, we have found the imagination necessary to “belong to each other” even though we disagree. This is a “lovingly loony” church. You don’t have to leave your questions or your intellect or your deeply-held opinions outside the door to be here and share in the sacrament with each other.

We Episcopalians define our “identity” by our worship instead of our dogma. When Queen Elizabeth the First was asked, centuries ago, if members of her church should cross themselves during the Eucharist, she said, wise beyond words: “none must, all may, some should….”

That is the openness and inclusiveness that is one-half of the genius and glory of our church. The other half of that genius and glory is this: we are the most “democratic” church in Christendom. We make our decisions on small matters and great matters by “voting”.

I was “elected” nearly 15 years ago to be your Rector. We “elect” our bishops. The Presiding Bishop of the Church is “elected” by the other bishops. The deputies to General Convention are “elected” to vote for their Dioceses by their Diocesan Conventions. You “elect” the vestry members that make the decisions about St. John’s. And the Vestry makes decisions by “voting”.

The Episcopal Church is a unique American institution, formed at the very same time as our nation by some of the same people. And the founders of our Church understood the wisdom of the founders of our nation—the way to make decisions is by voting…majority rules…. Here in the United States and here in the Episcopal Church, we don’t believe “unity” means “uniformity”. We vote on difficult issues. Then we move on, unified but not uniform. And we deeply, profoundly value the “loyal opposition”.

An “inclusive democracy” is what the Episcopal Church is. The “loyal opposition” is greatly valued by the majority. That was true for those who opposed women’s ordination and the 1979 Book of Common Prayer. It will be true two weeks from now toward those who are disappointed, broken and angry about whatever happens at General Convention. They will be loved. They will be comforted. They will be included. Without them, the church will not be whole.

“All will be well…” It will take a while and some few may choose to leave the church if I’m correct about how the votes will go. But those who are happy about the “votes” won’t want anyone who is unhappy about the “votes” to leave. If they leave it will be their choice and their leaving will be mourned greatly.

And this church will go on. We will welcome all to taste and see how sweet the Lord’s Body and Blood truly is. We will value everyone, no matter what they think or believe. We will never require “uniformity” to have “unity”. And we will stand for love and justice—love and justice and the wonder of God.

That will not change. Not one iota, not one jot.

And all will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well….

What's the fuss? Tell me what's happening?

OK, I am admittedly and proudly a Left Wing Nut. I find myself, sometimes, to the left of the ACLU. I have credentials and street wise extreme Liberal smarts.

What I can't understand is the hullabaloo about the government having access to phone records and Internet information. For God's sake, everyone has access to that stuff. We live in a media culture where advertisers routinely send adds to me on line that they believe, because of my Internet material, I will be interested in.

If you have a cell phone and it is turned on, there are ways to know exactly where  you are at any given moment. (I read lots of mystery novel and believe that is true!)

Besides, if you choose to put all sorts of personal information on Face Book or some other media, you have zero chance that your information won't be accessible to someone else. In fact, Face Book is designed to make your personal thoughts available to all your 'friends' and others as well. Just a fact. Sorry to bother you with facts....

I don't like in the least what I am subjected to in order to board an airplane. It is invasive, humiliating and awful.

Yet, I am willing to endure it, as much as I dislike it, to make sure I'm on an airplane with others who have no weapons or dangerous instruments. I'll take the embarrassment for that assurance.

So the National Security Council is gathering data from phones and the Internet. Since Amazon and Sears does too, I'm not too upset. Perhaps I am an unusual left winger in that I trust the government, especially this administration. So if they have access to my cell phone and computer, so be it. It's one of those times when a barter between privacy and security is worth the cost.

I KNOW that nothing is private when using devices like cell phones and your computer. By definition they are not private. It is, after all, "social media', which implies that everything you put out there in those ways, is 'available' to 'society'.

My advice would be this: If you don't want what you say on-line to be available, get the hell off Face Book and all the other outlets. Twitter not, neither Tumble....

I have a little green icon at the bottom of my computer screen that tells me my information is, for the most part, protected. When it turns orange, that little icon, I click on it and it runs a scan of less or more intensity to tell me that (for all it knows) what I write is safe.

I know damn well that 'nothings safe' out in cyberspace. And a lot worse people than the NSC can know all I write and all I say with just a few clicks.

Living in the "information age" means ALL information is public and accessible. I protect my privacy by never putting anything into social media I wouldn't mind telling anyone. Like this blog.

But I'm not paranoid about who can access my thoughts on line. I assume 'anyone' can. So I am careful. That's my advice. Guard your privacy by being private about it.