Ok, I never really thought about that it would come down to this--2 months, 61 days, 8 Sundays--before I retire.
This is too close, to near, to real now.
Why did I decide to do this?
I know it is finally the right thing to do. I know ultimately that all will be well and all will be well and all that.....
And, here it is--2 months, 61 days, 8 Sundays. And I'm scared shitless....Well, that's not quite true, when I get frightened I don't retain.....NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW THAT...OK?
I am much more worried about the parish than about myself. I'll be fine. I actually love being alone and working alone and doing things you do alone. I plan to get a carrel at the Cheshire Library or an office at St. Peter's church where I can do all the stuff I've longed to do for decades but couldn't because I was the priest of a remarkable and very active parish. I will be ok, promise--probably better than OK, but not because I've left St. John's...just because the things I want to do require more alone time than I've had for 20 years.
But I do worry about the parish. I've simply been around so long that the institutional memory doesn't register too well on 1988 and before.
I'm going to add up the funerals and baptisms and marriages some time soon and let you know. Just that kind of 'heavy' involvement weighs me down and ties me to this place. Hundreds and hundreds (stay tuned for the #'s)....
I know and know fair well that the folks there are fine and more than fine and will discover a future they create that will be so wondrous they'll someday say, "Jim who?" Like that. But in the short run, St. John's needs a gentle and wise hand to guide things and that's always been my job.
I am gentle, I believe. I don't make a fuss and never pick a fight and have 'the long view' about things. And I am, if I might be so bold to say, 'wise' about things--most of that wisdom is not making a fuss and never picking a fight and keeping the 'long view', so it's a lot like gentleness. Surprise, surprise--I could have told you...gentleness and wisdom are pretty much the same thing. Who knew?
What I have to do is 'let go' over the next 2 months, 61 days, 8 Sundays. I have to let go and let the folks there do what they WILL do--the right thing.
Right now, staring out my window at such a short time in the midst of things--2 months isn't long after over 20 years, after all....I am terrified.
All WILL be well, but that doesn't undo my terror at this point in time.....
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- why don't they? I don't know...
- seeing michael
- Blue, blue, blue....
- Letting go....
- who knows, maybe it's just me....
- serious thoughts
- no hash tonight--trying again...
- no hash tonight....
- Here's a poem
- my next calling....
- Lightening up a bit....
- Guns DO kill people
- old pictures, new thoughts
- a note about 'pondering'
- The projectionists
- Things not to laugh at....
- Running away from the storm...
- linear time confounds me
- JD is dead
- a disturbance in the Force
- nightmares of reality....
- holy ground
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