who I be

I think I lost this post by some dumb thing I did by typing too fast.

So, if you get the same thing twice--or sort of the same thing--sorry.

today, when I was preaching about how in John's gospel everyone was more interested in what Jesus could 'do' than who he 'was', I realized what has been making my leaving St. John's so very, very hard. I have become, in my letting go, so tied up in what I 'do' as the Rector I have lost sight of who I 'be' as the Rector.

I won't be 'doing' those things anymore after a short time, but I will still 'be' who I have been while doing them.

Where I come from, people who meet for the first time usually ask, "where are you from?"

Where you're from--which town, which holler, which part of the area--tell volumes about who you 'are'. The Millers from Jenkinjones are not at all like the Millers from Spencer Curve. The Blankinships from Pineville aren't the same folk as the Blankinships from Leckie. 'Where you are from' tells people who you 'be'.

When I came to New England I noticed the first questioned people asked a new acquaintance was "What do you DO?" Knowing what you 'do' doesn't tell me who you 'are'. Doing and being are distinctions.

I even lead a workshop a few times a year that is based on making the distinction between 'doing' and 'being'. And I lead the workshop quite well, thank you. But only when I listened to my sermon did I realize that who I 'be' is who I will continue to 'be' after I leave St. John's....What I 'do' will be vastly altered.

This realization (I often say I alway 'preach' to myself and others can listen--today that really proved true!) enables me to create a new future for myself and allow St. John's to create their future. My 'being' will continue though I will mourn the loss of what I've been 'doing' with my 'being' for these 21 years.

It is still painful to imagine leaving--but now I know I can...I can 'leave', 'stop DOING' what I've done so long and still 'be' who I am.

That is a gift--a profound gift to me. I should listen more closely to my sermons....