Luddite that I am

For weeks, months, I have sent unwanted email (Bulgarian women, Latin women, all kinds of women, fixes for ailments I do not have, job offers I never asked for, missives from people in Africa wanting to give me money, 'great deals' from places I've never heard of, loan opportunities, on and on, Asian women, women in my zip code looking to hook up, investment deals, on and on and on) to Spam.

Next day they'd all be back. And I'd send them to Spam.

Then one day this week I get a notice from my computer that I'd never turned on my Spam and offering to do it.

I took the offer and now instead of 70 unwanted emails a day for 4 days I've had none.

How did I know I needed to turn Spam on?

Would I have known how to do it?

I'm hopeless but my computer noticed I was sending 70 emails a day to Spam with no relief and is surely smarter than me.

Thank goodness....

Day three

Her name is now Brigit.

She didn't respond to 'annie' so Bern decided she was Brigit, Brigit hasn't complained.

This is a dog unused to human interaction. She is suspicious and fearful, but so very sweet and has still not made a sound.

She walks well but, unlike other dogs, doesn't stay near us. Left on her own she goes up the the sofa in the TV room. We're there with her a lot--I've started reading up there with the TV on mute and Bern watches more TV than I do. So we're with her. When one of us is out of the room and Brigit hears steps on the stairs her tail starts to wag.

She's not overly affectionate yet, but loves affection.

She's a dog who has lived a lot of her life alone. She comes downstairs if neither of us is there for a while and makes sure we're there and then goes back to her nest on the sofa.

A friend told me she had a rescue dog that hid for the first two weeks.

So, we'll be patient.

But she is so sweet and quiet.

Her name is Annie

She's a pointer mix, weighs 46 pounds and is between 3 and 5 years old. Georgia, where she comes from, says 3. Connecticut says 3.

She is totally freaked out being with us. She spends most of the time today either on the couch in the living room or in the dog bed Bern got her in the kitchen. We did take a long walk today but she hasn't pooped yet and only peed once.

Lord knows what she's going through?

She has a black head and a white and brown body. The brown spots on her body, in two cases, look like hearts.

I fell hard for her. We almost got another dog as well--but Bella was named like Bela and only 6 months old and in need of more training than we're up to.

But Annie is home--though she doesn't know it yet--and we will love her greatly. She is very shy and quiet and sweet, rolling over to let you rub her belly. And, 10 hours into our new family, we've yet to hear her make a noise.

There's no way to know what she's been through in life, but I''m betting it wasn't good.

And she's home now.

A dog, a dog....

This weekend we will most likely adopt a dog.

There are two events to go to so we can meet dogs.

All that matters is if she is good with kids (because of our granddaughters) and if we love her.

We've almost always had a dog. Finney, a Puli born in Budapest was our first. He was hit by a car when we were away on our pre-separation trip to the beach.

Then there was little Annie, Bern rescued from the streets of New Haven.

Then Sadie, another rescue who was half-lab and half-cockier spaniel. A wondrous dog who lived with us as our kids grew up,

Then, of course, Bela, another Puli who was our empty nest dog for 13 years.

He was put down in March and we think--at least we think--our mourning for him will let us have another dog in our family.

We shall see, this weekend, The dog has to be a girl and can't be a puppy. And must love kids.

We shall see.

I'll let you know.

The Dark

I was grilling dinner near 7 p.m. and noted it was dark. Had the porch light not been on I couldn't have seen the grill.

It seems to have returned overnight--though I know it has been weeks and weeks in coming: but the Dark is back.

I'll have to notice if I have to get up tonight to go to the bathroom (which at my age I often do) if any light is coming or if the Dark is settled in. I happen to sleep so late that I always wake up to daylight, but I'll try to notice or ask Bern (an early riser) when the light returns.

I guess Daylight Savings Time must be coming though I never seem to know when. But that only changes things a little--an hour. The darkness is coming and there are almost 3 months left for it's falling.

I used to think I'd like to live near the equator where the light is rather constant, nothing like New England. But I've changed my mind about that--I actually now adore the darkness of autumn and winter. It is a reminder that we must endure the darkness to live in the light.

It's a metaphor this year for living with the President Who Will Not Be Named.

Dark times. Fearful times. Uncertain times that must be endured to lean toward the Light.

And the Light will come. I truly believe that. Looking at the country these days convinces me of that.

Endure the Darkness, beloved, and lean toward the Light....

It will come. Just as the earth tilts, it will come.

Today's sermon

Who do you say that I am?

        Today we find ourselves in the city of Caesarea Philippi.

          Just a short aside about Caesarea Philippi because it is a fascinating place—it is north of the Sea of Galilee, near what is now the border between Israel and Lebanon. Prior to being named “Caesarea Philippi” by the Tetrarch of Galilee, Herod Philip (to honor Caesar Augustus and…oh, himself…) the city was known as Banias in Hebrew and “Paneas” in Greek. It was the site of a shrine to Pan, the god of mirth and drink and debauchery (God bless him!). But it didn’t stop there: there were shrines to Persian gods and Roman gods and to Caesar, who was worshipped as a god, and even shrines to the Pre-Greek gods of that region. Caesarea Philippi was a veritable panoply of worship and sacrifice. And besides all that, the water that flows through Banius from Mount Hermon is the headwaters of the River Jordan. So it was a terribly holy place for Jews as well.

          So, in this remarkably holy, sacred place, Jesus asked his disciples: “Who do you say that I am?”

          I want to go on record as saying that is one of the most audacious, outrageous, daring and vulnerable questions anyone can ask. Who in their right mind would ask it? What rational person would want to know the answer when it came?

          Think about it for a moment—WHO DO YOU SAY THAT I AM?

          Is that something you really, truly, honestly want to know? From an acquaintance? From a close friend? Even from someone who loves you? Do you really, truly, honestly want to know “who they say you are?”

          Let me talk about me for a moment….I’m not sure I want to risk the pain and disappointment and confusion that hearing “who someone else says I am” would cause me.

          Two examples, if I might.

          First of all, I’ve had any number of people who have come to know me and love me tell me that when they first met me they thought I was “arrogant”. That’s the word they’ve all used—arrogant.

          WHO DO YOU SAY THAT I AM? I could have asked them when they didn’t know me well.

          YOU ARE VERY ARROGANT, they would have answered.

          Of all the things I think about myself—about WHO I AM—about the last thing would be “arrogant”. I’m always using so much energy trying to please people and make them like me and show them how honorable I am, that I would never imagine they’d think I was arrogant. I’ve spent hours and hours trying to understand why people would think that’s “who I am….”

          And I would have been bereft, deeply pained, stung to the core.

          It is a very risky question to ask: WHO DO YOU SAY THAT I AM?

          Who would want to know? Who would be confident enough to hear the response?

          Secondly, I know myself better than anyone knows me. I know all my dark and secret places, all my aching places, all my shame and fear and brokenness. Why would I ask someone WHO DO YOU SAY THAT I AM? For fear of hearing the “truth” about what I know about me…..

          My greatest fear is that someone will “figure me out” and know what a phony, what a fake, what a hypocrite, what a sham I am.

          So why would I ever ask someone: WHO DO YOU SAY THAT I AM?

          Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a Christian murdered by the Nazi’s at the end of WW II. One of his books was Letters and Papers from Prison and contained this poem. Listen. Listen carefully…. 

            

WHO AM I?

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a Squire from his country home.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my wardens

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though they were mine to command.

Who am I? they also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

Compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others

And before myself a contemptable, woebegone weaking?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in distain from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine.

We went to our daughter-in-law’s swearing in as a judge on Friday in Baltimore. Hearing what the speakers said about her, I told her, “don’t ever run yourself down to me again. I heard who they say you are.

There were many opinions about ‘who Jesus was’, but Peter nailed it—“you are the Messiah!”

Peter wasn’t happy with what Jesus then told them he had to do. But he had to. He just had to.

There are many voices, both inside our heads and from those around us that have an opinion about who you and I are.

But Bonhoeffer nailed it—whoever we are, we belong to God.

We are God’s beloved children. And what we need to do with that is to live in the world as the hands and hearts and voices and actions of Jesus. We are to be Christ’s Body to this darkling world.

We have to. We just have to.

We must…. We must….We must.   Amen.

Emmanuel Church, Killingworth (9/16/18)

Gospel Lesson for the day: Mark 8.27-38

       

The ceremony

Cathy Chen was sworn in as a judge of the Maryland District Court--District One--Baltimore City--on Friday.

It was amazing. At least 15 judges in robes and the chief judge of the Maryland Court and the lawyer of the Governor (who used to be in Josh's law firm) and people from as far away as Taiwan in attendance.

It was great. The Episcopal Church is good at ceremonies but I've never seen anything like this.

The president of the Maryland Bar Association gave her a crystal gavel to remind her how precious the law is and how if you hammer too hard, justice breaks.

She is my daughter in law, mother of 3 of my 4 granddaughters. I love her greatly and admire her immensely.

At the two receptions I talked to more judges than I've ever imagined talking to. They all love Cathy and admire Josh, my son.

I had long conversations with 5 lawyers in Josh's firm--including one of the guys whose name is in the name of the firm. And I was wondrously reassured of what a great lawyer--and wondrous man--my son is.

Our daughter, Mimi, and 4th grand-daughter, Eleanor, were there with us.

Bern and I talked, on the ride back from Baltimore today, about how we should pinch ourselves and be lost in wonder about how our two children turned out.

We can't take the credit. Much of the time we had no idea what we were doing as they grew up and I'm sure made numerous mistakes in raising them.

But there they are.

A partner in a law firm married to a judge with three remarkable daughters.

Second in command at a magazine for a national group of architects, married to a high ranking member of Linked-In whose office is in the Empire State Building with the most lovely, sweet, smart and wondrous 2 year old daughter.

How did this happen?

How blessed are we?

It's almost enough to make me believe in God. (Which I should, since I'm an Episcopal priest. But some of the things in the world make that hard to do..)

But when I ponder my two children, Lordy, Lordy, I believe in God and mercy and love so, so much.