IS
THERE LIFE AFTER FUNERALS?
When
I retired from full time ministry, I told a couple of the Funeral Directors I
worked with I would be available to do 'trade funerals'. Two things from that
sentence: First, 'trade funerals' are funerals for people who don't have any
connection to a church but think of themselves, however vaguely, as Christians.
Secondly, what used to be 'morticians' prefer to be called 'funeral directors'.
And in my 35 years as a priest, I've decided most of them deserve that title. They
do much more than 'mortuary service'--embalming, dressing, burying people's
bodies. The really good ones deal with a lot of pain in their work. They
'direct things' for people who, because of grief or shock or guilt, aren't up
to 'directing' things for themselves. Death catches people unawares, even when
the lead up to the death has been months, if not years, of fear and suffering.
“When people die it is like a bird flying into a window on a chill February
morning.” That is a quote from the poem I read when I was in college and editor
of the student magazine. It was a poem by a friend of mine about her friend who
died in Viet Nam. Lord, it's been so long ago, that war that formed my
generation. And it is still as new as today for me.
Any
how, I got a call just over two months after my retirement from Peter, a
funeral director in Waterbury, telling me when this particular family with
their particular needs came in, he knew I was the only person he would trust to
do the service. Well, he had me hooked by appealing to my ego, which, a friend
once told me, was 'as large as Montana'. So I said 'yes', then Peter, that
sneak, told me it was a service at the funeral home, during the wake, for a 16
year old girl who had been raped and murdered by a friend of hers. That
happened at the base of this enormous illuminated cross that soars above I-84
on the way to Waterbury. The cross is in a place called Holy Land. Holy Land
was the creation of some overly-zealous Italian guy decades ago. He had the
cross erected and then tried to recreate Israel in Connecticut. I've been up
there before. The whole thing has fallen into ruins of Israel in the midst of a
forest of sorts with paths through it going all the way up to the highest point
in the area where the cross stands. A group of Filipino nuns now own the
property, but it has become the hangout of teenagers from all over the area.
(An
aside of import before more about Phoebe's wake. Peter, the guy who called me,
is someone I've worked with a lot over the last two decades. His funeral home
is well known and respected in the area and though it is 'an Italian
funeral home', ethnicity being still important around Waterbury, many
Episcopalians use it. One of my favorite people at St. John's was Nancy. She
was a Warden, a remarkably active member, a generous and gentle woman and a
dear friend. She used to make me egg salad and tuna salad sandwiches when I
would go to her house for lunch. Some of the best of both I've ever
eaten...that was Nancy's gift, to give only the best.
Peter
was the funeral director who got the 'call' to collect Nancy's body from the
hospital when she died. Her son and I were in her room when she passed through
that wondrous and terrifying door to what ever comes next. She would be moved
to the mortuary in the hospital, where Peter would pick up her body. But he
came to the room instead and sat by her bed and wept, holding her dead hand.
From that moment on I would trust him—as brusque and 'God Father
Italian' as he appeared. “Hey, Father,” he would say over the phone when he
called about a funeral, “I got one for you....” But I knew this: whoever cried
at Nancy's deathbed was a friend of mine.)
So,
when Peter called I would have agreed to do the service even if he hadn't
massaged my ego. 'Death', after all, is what priests' DO. In my years since
ordination I have officiated at well over a thousand funerals. And sat by many death beds. And been with many hundreds of families as one
of the ones they loved was reaching out for the doorknob of that wondrous and
terrifying door—the door all of us will open and enter sooner or later. God
bless us. Really, God bless us....
*
There
is an ancient Roman priest in Waterbury who is legend among the Funeral
Directors of the city. One of them told me Fr. Spinelli performed over 200
funerals a year. In his 80's himself, he buried more people in a month than I
buried in a year. In my 35 years as a priest I've done over 1000 funerals.
Some of them were for people I never really knew who had families and friends
who mourned them in ways I never experienced. And then there were several
hundred who were members of my parish and friends of mine. And I tried to
'perform' (a terrible description of what I do at funerals, but not inaccurate)
each one with the same focus and commitment as any other.
Funerals
are vital and holy moments. Whenever we brush up against death, things get
sacred in a hurry. Not nearly enough attention is paid, in my mind, to the
importance of funerals in the training of priests. There is really nothing
else, for a priest, besides the weekly observances of the breaking of bread for
the community, that equals the obligation and opportunity of presiding at funerals.
We
are rubbed raw with emotion when people die. (“When people die it is like
bears are roaming the streets/looking for children to devour. When people
die.”) There is no other moment when it is so profoundly necessary for a
priest to be present. Not to 'clear things up' or say something meaningful, but
simply to sit by the bed of the dying or hold the hands of the living and shake
your head slowly when asked 'the meaning' of it all. That's what people need in
a time of seeming meaninglessness—someone to agree that is so, just so the
mourning folks don't think they are crazy.
*
Unusually
enough, Phoebe's funeral wasn't the worst one I ever attended. In fact, if such
a thing is possible, the wake of that 16 year old child was less troubling than
many. Her paternal grandfather took the microphone and invited people to come
up and tell “Phoebe stories”. And people did—former teachers, red-eyed friends,
members of the family—and the stories somehow took much of the pain and shock
and horror of her death out of the room. There was also a screen that was full
of slides of her—it was a power point, I think, and in the pictures Phoebe was
full of life. Since she had been cremated, there was no coffin to draw
attention to the reality of her death. I suppose Ibsen was right, there is no
suffering that cannot be borne if we put it in a story and tell the story to
each other.
The
worst funeral I ever participated in was the service for Joan, a beautiful
woman of 40-something in the first parish I served. Joan suffered from bone
cancer—not a way I'd pick to die—and she did suffer from it. In the last days
even the sheet on her hospital bed brought her pain. I knew death was near so I
visited her every morning for the last week or so. The last morning I broke one
of the few rules I have about what I do. I didn't go to the nurses' station to
check on her condition but simply walked into her private room. The fact that
the door was closed didn't surprise me since Joan had complained about the
constant and sometimes disturbing sounds of the wing.
So
I walked in to find her naked on her bed, her feet tied together with gauze and
her arms straight down at her sides. She was being prepared to go to the morgue
in the basement. The nurse who was washing her turned to see me, shocked at
first but recognizing me, she simply said, “less than an hour ago. She's
finally at peace.”
I
had to agree that Joan's face was uncreased by pain for the first time in a
year. She looked serene and lovely. Finally at peace, indeed.
Joan's
funeral was one of the “mixed funerals” I had at St. James in Charleston. Sometimes
the deceased was the Episcopalian and the family were black Baptist or AME or
something more fundamentalist than that. Joan had joined the Episcopal Church
while in college to escape the harshness of her family's faith. But they
insisted that the funeral should be in the funeral home and their 'preacher'
would help me. I knew Joan wouldn't have
wanted that but I was young them and not bold enough to stand up for the dead
against the wishes of the grieving family.
The
funeral director was a Baptist but he well understood the Episcopal Church's
ways. So, just before the service he closed the coffin and helped two of the
women from the church put the pall on. I had been talking with Preacher Jones
for 10 minutes before that, agreeing that he could speak for a while and I
would do the burial office from the Prayer Book. “And Preacher Jones,” I said
in my harshest whisper, “the coffin remains closed....” (I had been to family
funerals of some of the other members of St. James and seen how a closed coffin
would be opened to let the congregation have one more look at the dead.)
Preacher Jones, a retired coal miner with several fingertips missing, hadn't
been within spitting distance of any seminary of any kind and didn't know the
Episcopal practice any more than he knew how to speak Hindi. I was going to
stay in control of the service.
“Yes
sir, Father,” he told me, “just the way you want it....”
After
the solemn, lovely tones of the liturgy and readings, Preacher Jones got up to
begin his sermon. He started out softly, reminding people of 'Otto, the Orkin
Man'--a popular ad campaign for a company who specialized in pest
control...mostly termites. He was using Paul's image of the earthly body and
the heavenly body--'tabernacles' in his King James language. He said that
Joan's earthly tabernacle had been ravaged and that the doctors and treatments
were like Otto's work on our houses when they were infested by termites. But
her heavenly tabernacle would be perfect and in need of no cancer control. It
was an interesting metaphor and I was thinking about how that was closer than I
could come to describing the bodies we supposedly will have in the Kingdom. I
drifted off a moment in the image and was propelled by to full alertness when I
heard him say, in one of those low, rolling voices Black preachers are so good
at: “I believe there are some here who have not had the privilege of viewing
Sister Joan's earthly tabernacle one last time....”
I
rose and touched his arm. “Preacher Jones,” I whispered, “don't go there....”
But
by that time several people were moving down the aisle toward the coffin. Jumping away from me like a much younger man
than he was, he snatched the pall and pulled it from Joan's coffin. The two
ladies from St. James practically dived forward to grab it before it hit the
floor. I couldn't get to him because was already surrounded by weeping and
wailing mourners. The decent good order the BCP had brought to the room was
gone, replaced by a frenzy of what posed as grief but seemed to me to be pure
dramatics.
The funeral director was
pushing forward to try to restore things to some sense of decency but Preacher
Jones was pulling on the locked lid, jarring the casket around. Evan, the
funeral director, looked at me with horror—he told me later that Joan's funeral
convinced him that the Episcopal practice was, after all, the best way. I
nodded to him and he opened the casket with the tool he used before Preacher
Jones and the surge of people could knock it from its stand.
What
happened then was a tempest of despair. One woman was actually keening and a
large transvestite (I knew she was because her name was Robert) actually lifted
Joan's body up and held her for a while, sobbing all the time. The storm
stopped almost as suddenly as it began. Evan straightened Joan's clothing as
best he could in a room full of people, quietly closed and secured the lid and
with the help of the stricken women from St. James, restored the pall to its
place.
Preacher
Jones was worn out by then and after getting some “Amens” from the
congregation, went back to his seat. I finished the service though tears of
rage and failure. I had let Joan down at the end. She would have been horrified
at such goings on. And I led her coffin to the waiting hearse, Even apologizing
to me each step of the way.
After
they shut the door on Joan's coffin, Preacher Jones stretched out his hand to
me. “I can't go to the grave,” he said, “I'm sure you can handle it.”
Rather
than reject his handshake I took his hand in mine and began to squeeze his
finger nubs. He was in his 70's and I was barely 30 and in the best shape of my
life. I squeezed until I saw tears in his eyes. Then I whispered, “Preacher
Jones, you are one sick son of a bitch”, smiling to beat the band so the people
around thought I was being gracious in a terrible situation. I finally released
his hand and slapped him on the shoulder in a clerical way, but hard enough to
make him stumble a bit.
That
was the worse funeral I ever had a part in.
The
first funeral was of Miss Bessie. Miss Bessie was 97 and lived with her two
sisters, 93 and 87. She had been dying in the same hospital on the same day as
the birth of my son. Labor was slow going and so I made several trips back and
forth between labor hall and Miss Bessie's room. I had been telling her about
what was going on downstairs, how my son was being born. I'm not sure she could
hear me but I kept telling her since it was all I could think of to tell
anybody at the time.
After
my second visit to Miss Bessie, I was sitting in the room with Bern. Things
were going nowhere and she was getting impatient. I wasn't sure things could
get worse but they did. A nurse stuck her head in the room and said, in a
confused and questioning voice, “your father is here?” We knew good and well neither
of our fathers were anywhere near and caught the nurses confusion just as a
voice said in a stage whisper: “Father in God...”
For
reasons beyond all my comprehension, the bishop had decided to make a pastoral
call to labor hall!
“Get
his ass out of here,” Bern hissed at me, fire in her eyes.
He
was apologetic when I steered him out into the hallway, but I don't think he
understood why she wasn't grateful he had come. That taught me another rule for
priestcraft—never go to the room of a woman in labor unless you're summoned.
There are places priests should never go....
While
Josh was being delivered by C-section, Miss Bessie slipped away though that
mysterious door to whatever comes next. Life and death mingled together, mixed
up, passing like ships in the corridors of Charleston General Hospital.
Three
days later, our son came home and Miss Bessie had her funeral. There was no
moaning as she put out to sea. She had lived a great span of years and had only
been sick for a week or so at the end. She was another of those skinny,
unmarried women who seem to live so long. Might be a cautionary tale in there
for women considering marrying.
The
family plot was straight up a hill ten miles or so outside of Charleston. The
only vehicle that could get there was a four-wheel drive Ford pickup truck. The hearse carried Miss
Bessie to the foot of the hill and two strong gravediggers transferred her to
the back of the truck. I had intended to go up, but since the funeral director
had to by law, I climbed up in the bed of that Ford and committed Miss Betsy to
God and the earth. Then off she went, bouncing up and down on a rocky 45 degree
angle.
Her
sisters and a few others waited in the car while she was put in her grave near
her people. One of the sisters, Miss Mable, said, “just two more trips to
go....” I knew she meant for her and Miss Dorothy. But I left before either of
them died. They were very thin and unmarried.
*
Once,
shortly after we moved to New Haven, Josh and I were going somewhere in the VW
bus. New Haven has several large and sprawling cemeteries with in the city
limits. By chance we passed two of them in a matter of minutes. Josh, barely 5
years old, said, “there sure are a lot of dead people living in New Haven.”
Mouths
of babes and all that. I'm pretty agnostic about ghosts and communications with
the Great Wherever, but every time I leave a room for a few moments, I say to
myself, “Hello, Virgil!” My father was the world's champion at turning off
lights. Since our children complain when they are visiting that our house is
too dark, I must be channeling Virgil pretty well.
Lots
of dead people live most places, it seems to me.
*
Once,
after a funeral when the cremains were interred in St. John's Close, a young
funeral director asked me if a person had to be a member to be buried there.
“No,”
said knowing we had interred ashes of several folks from the Soup Kitchen
because they had no where to rest.
He
smiled broadly. “I have these cremains....”
Turns
out his funeral home had a contract with the two hospitals in town to cremate
unclaimed bodies. But after cremating them, they weren't sure what to do with
them and the boxes were taking up most of a cabinet in a storage room.
“Most
of them are babies,” he said.
“Babies?”
I asked, “people left their babies bodies at the hospital?”
I
was initially horrified until he explained that many of them were still births
and premature, damaged children. Some people didn't have enough money to pay
for burial and others were so upset and confused they simply signed the papers
while in shock.
So,
that All Saint's Day, at the end of the Eucharist, we took the cremains he had
collected over the last few years out to the Close and buried them together. We
put the names on the plaque in the church narthex (front hallway of the
sanctuary for those who don't speak 'Episcopalian”). One or two were indigent
adults but most were, as he told me, babies. Some of them didn't have first
names so they were 'Baby Girl Smith' and 'Baby Boy Jones'. One I remember had
the remarkable name “Baby Boy Bugalu”. Whenever I looked at the plaque, I
always found his name and caressed it with my fingertip.
So
a tradition was born. Each All Saint's Day thereafter, ashes with no where to
go found a resting place at St. John's. Other funeral directors found out about
it and brought their unclaimed ashes as well. That little sacred rectangle of
earth became home to the forgotten and left behind of the dead of Waterbury.
I
found out most everyone had the same initial reaction to the babies as I
had—shock and a bit of anger toward the parents. I spent time explaining that
we need to try to imagine the anguish people felt at losing a child and how
anguished people often make strange decisions out of the fog of grief.
Then
a member of the parish came to me and tearfully told me how she had lost a
third semester baby while traveling in the south. It had been decades before
and she was so drugged up by the hospital staff that it was well on the way
home before she thought to ask what happened to the baby. Her husband, stricken
and paralyzed with loss, had signed the body over to the hospital to depose of.
“I
can only hope she went to some place like St. John's,” the woman told me, “and
now I can finally grieve for that child I never knew.”
The
second year a couple of people I didn't know showed up for the All Saint's Day
interments. They approached me afterward. They both had the same story as the
parishioner. In the case of these two they had both been young and unmarried
when their babies were born dead. In fact, the two of them had discovered they
shared the same secret, since almost no one else knew their stories. They were
weeping too, mourning for those children who never lived and they abandoned in
death. The service had been a form of absolution for them both and they weren't
keeping the secret any more.
“My
husband and my two teenagers don't know about what happened,” one of them told
me. “Now I can tell them and I can finally be comforted for that awful loss.”
That sounded like very 'good news' to me. A Gospel moment in the courtyard of a
church.
*
Marty
and Fran came to St. John's one Sunday and never left until they retired to
Florida. Marty worked as a civilian for the State Police and Fran was an office
worker somewhere. They were great—Marty was a big, grown up kid who looked like
the actor Fred Gwinn. Fran was feisty and ironic and funny. They were great fun
to have around. They both were in late life second marriages and were always
bringing visiting grand kids to church. One of them had the first name Bradley
so he and I had more than a passing relationship. That I never knew which of
them was the 'real' grandparent said a lot about their relationship.
They
were two of those people who move to Florida because it is part of the thought
that that's what people in Connecticut do when they retire. All their family
was in New England and they came back often, always stopping in for a Sunday
'hit' of St. John's funky parish life and worship. I liked them both immensely.
Marty was one of those 'Corvette guys' who never outgrew his love for fast
sports cars. He had a gizmo on his Buick or Oldsmobile or whatever it
was--'American' for sure—that allowed him to turn on the motor from a distance.
He's leave the heater turned on in winter and the AC in summer and when he got
to his car after breakfast it was either warm as toast or cool as sea breezes.
I always coveted that feature.
On
the way back to Florida from one of their swings north to see family, they
wrecked and both were killed. Instantly, I pray. The car went through the
medium, across 3 lanes of northbound and through the guardrail on the
northbound side and into a tree. Perhaps Marty, who was driving, had a heart
attack or went to sleep. I can only hope Fran was asleep and didn't realize
what was happening until it had happened. And it happened and they both died
and the two families wanted a joint funeral at St. John's. It is a huge,
neo-Gothic church, but I had to figure out how to get two coffins in the
transepts without blocking the center aisle or the steps to the altar for
communion.
And
we got it done. Children from each family spoke, we broke the bread and shared
the wine and then went on a wondrous ride. Two hearses were necessary since,
unlike bicycles, there are no hearses built for two. We buried Marty first,
beside his first wife, who died before he met Fran. Then we wound our way down
the Naugatuck Valley to Fran's family plot. I thought of them so much as
'together', it was hard for me to imagine them being separated by death and
having two different resting places in the rocky, rich soil of Connecticut. But
that's the way we did it. One funeral and two different interments. I only hope
those two—who seemed so 'right' for each other, can find the other in the
general resurrection. (Though, honestly, I can't say I believe in such a
thing....)
*
Mrs.
Carter was from Barbuda, a little island in the Caribbean that, from the
stories I've heard about it from her large extended family, is about as
isolated and undeveloped as any island in the chain. She and her family have
been in Connecticut for many years—all hard working, soft-spoken and physically
striking. Her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and assorted other
relatives came to church and sat near each other. The kids—boys in suits and
girls in dresses with little hats and white gloves (imagine that!) sat through
the services without coloring books or electronic gadgets or even stern looks
from their parents. Every time someone told me they wanted to come to church
but their children would misbehave, I wanted to say, “Consider the Barbudans”.
Once
a new seminarian asked me in hushed tones, “why do all the Black people sit
together?” She thought it had something to do with unwritten rules about race
in the Parish.
“What
would you think if 40 or 50 people sat in the same area and all had red hair?”
I asked her.
Something
came across her face that seemed like enlightenment. “A family,” she said,
“...but so many....”
On
Mrs. Carter's birthday, there were perhaps 75 or more family members in church
with her. I sometimes thought there were more Barbudans in Waterbury than in
Barbuda. And each of them was fiercely committed to her. She was truly the
matriarch of that large and handsome clan. Two of her sons and their families
were very involved. Between them and the assorted kids, we once turned over the
entire service to honor her on some milestone birthday. All the readers,
chalicists and acolytes were related to Mrs. Carter on that day.
She
was a delightful and sunny person. “Fad-er Bradley”, she would say in her
charming accent, “how are you today?” She always brought me something from her
trips back to the island. One gift was a huge and perfect conch shell that is
still in our back yard. Another time, because she knew I kept bottles of hot
sauce around the church for my use, she brought me some hot sauce from her
home. “Dis is not like your haht sauce, Fad-er Bradley,” she said, “use just a
drop or two.”
Well,
I like hot sauce and thought she underestimated my taste for it. One morning I
sprinkled it liberally on my scrambled eggs and spent much of the next hour or
so drinking ice water and blowing my
nose. I should have never doubted her wisdom.
Wise,
that is what she seemed to be. She had worked long and hard for her
children—mostly as an aide in a nursing home, I believe—and had found wisdom in
her work and her years. Besides her immediate family, there were others she had
unofficially adopted. People I knew to be her nieces or cousins all called her
'momma'. And as she lay dying, she waited for one of them to come before
opening that mysterious door and passing through. I've never figured out how
people know 'to wait', postponing death until some particular person shows up,
but I've seen it enough to know it is so.
I
visited her often during her last illness. The nursing home where she was
wasting away was on my way home, if I went the long way. And I had seen her the
afternoon before her death, surrounded, as always, by quiet, loving guardians
from her family. It was a constantly changing assortment of people—many of them
children and teens—who sat with her daily and, I suspect, around the
clock—always with a CD of gospel music playing from the top of a chest of
drawers. The morning of her death a daughter-in-law called and asked me to come
again. I told her I'd be there in the afternoon but she insisted I come now.
The niece she had been waiting on had come—Mrs. Carter never said that she was
waiting on that particular relative, being in a semi-coma most of the last
week, but her family knew it was the truth. Several of them had told me, “When
she comes, momma will leave....”
When
I arrived with my communion kit and oil to anoint Mrs. Carter, the family had
filled the room and were spilling out into the hallway. It was 8 in the morning
and some of the kids there were in school uniforms with back packs. The people
parted for me, murmuring thanks and touching me softly. I never quite got used
to the profound respect they treated me with and it was only with great urging
that I ever got any of them to call me “Jim” instead of “Father Bradley”. I
never even suggested it to Mrs. Carter: I was simply 'Fad-er Bradley' to her.
I
said the prayers for the dying, noticing that people in the room were holding
each other against what was to come, sobbing without sound, faces wet with
tears. Then I realized I only had a dozen or so little wafers for communion.
Since there was no room for me to move around, I passed the elements and told
them to share. It was like loaves and fishes in Mrs. Carter's circle of love
and the last person got as much bread to dip in the wine as the first. An hour
or so later, she died.
Her
funeral was one of the most elegant and lovely services I've ever known. It was
a cold, cold day with spitting snow but when we got to the cemetery,
everyone—dressed uniformly in black—stayed until the casket was lowered and the
grave was completely full. At first family members tossed in handfuls of dirt
and the little girls dropped flowers in the gaping hole. But finally an end
loader came and finished the job. The 150 or so people didn't seem willing to
leave even then, touching and whispering, telling stories of Mrs. Carter, until
they were chilled to the bone.
Having
seen her finally buried, the grief lifted for the meal—an amazing collection of
island dishes, the next better and more delicately seasoned than the one
before. It was through Mrs. Carter and a reception after the funeral of one of
her relatives that I first tasted goat. The thought was somehow revolting to
me, but it was so well prepared that I loved it. I wouldn't dare try to cook
goat though.
Several
of her grandchildren were in the Chorister Academy at St. John's and I would
talk to them before rehearsal. They told such sweet stories about Mrs. Carter.
One of them, tall and beautiful, said, with whimsy instead of sadness, “I love
her more each passing day.” I found that remarkable coming from a 13 year old.
And I knew it was true.
*
Gravesides
are the last place people still have some connection to the one who has died.
Most people walk away with the casket still above ground. Somehow the practice
of filling in the grave seems a better final parting—not leaving such intimacy
to strangers. It is at gravesides that the stark finality of death becomes
finally undeniable. I remember helping fill the grave of my dear priest friend,
Peter. He was deeply involved in environmental ministry and was a long time
chaplain at a exclusive private school. One way or another—as seminarian,
part-time assistant, interim rector, assisting priest—Peter's altar had almost
always been at St. John's. His wife and daughter were wonderful parts of the
parish family and just before I retired, I baptized Peter's grandson. When his
parents and godparents presented him and said, “we present Peter to receive the
sacrament of baptism”, I nearly wept in joy and in the memory of him. I remembered much, in that moment, about
Peter's life, but I also remember softly dropping evergreen boughs on his casket
and then helping shovel in the dirt. Something healing in being part of that
last gift to him.
Once,
in one of the first few funerals I was part of at St. James in Charleston, the
Baptist funeral director handed me a handful of rose petals. He intended me to
scatter them on the casket at the words of commital.
“What's
this?” I whispered, confused.
“For
the casket,” he whispered back, confused himself by that point.
“I
want dirt,” I told him.
“Dirt?”
he asked, a little aghast.
“Dirt,”
I repeated and he found me some.
It
is sometimes remarkable to me that Christians have developed funeral practices
that seek the lessen the finality of death when it is the finality itself that
we need desperately to face head on to begin to heal.
*
When
you have children, they are always babies in your heart. My children are both
in their 30's. Josh has three children of his own and is a lawyer. Mimi works
in Development for the American Ballet Theatre and is a woman. Mimi is a
woman—graceful and lovely beyond her knowing...but she and the big-shot lawyer
are still small children to me. And perhaps the hardest death to bear is the
death of a child.
I'm
making a list and checking it twice about things I want to check out when and
if I get to the Kingdom of Heaven. I want to have a sit down with Yahweh and
ask the Great God Almighty to clear up a few things I think were left hanging
in Creation. At the top of the list is the question about dead babies.
Dead
babies are hideous, awful, unspeakable, unfair, nasty, brutish and ugly. There
should have been a default built into the system that never let children
die before their parents. Something kinder was called for. Bern once gave me a
pen and ink drawing that was of seven tombstones. Each had the names and dates
on them. On either end of the stones are the parents. In between are five
children. You notice, looking at the picture, that the parents lived to ripe
old ages and all the children died in the first three years of life. Shat a
profoundly painful work of art. If I could, I'd take that with me through
the mysterious door for my sit down with
Yahweh. “What the hell was this about?” I'd ask him and wait as long as
necessary (it being eternity and all) for an answer.
There
was a wonderful young couple at St. John's—let's call them Adam and Eve—who
became members while engaged, got married there, remained very active and
joyfully, a year or so after their marriage, 'got pregnant'. It was something
they'd longed for, hoped for, waited for. They were transformed by the promise
of it all. They turned a room into a nursery and started painting, picked out
names, began buying fuzzy toys (Eve) and sports equipment (Adam) for their
coming child.
But
when Eve went for her seven-month checkup, their world turned upside down and
inside out.
The
doctor seemed anxious during the examination. His tension was contagious: Adam
and Eve caught it in about 10 seconds.
He
asked Eve if she'd been spotting. Only a little, she told him, just from time
to time.
Pain,
he asked, had she had any pain? Indigestion for a week or so, she answered, her
heart clutching into a fist.
No
heart beat. That was the issue, the problem, the reason for his questions and
the death of joy for Adam and Eve.
Their
baby was dead. Just like that, their world went from joy and light to the dark
night of the soul. And, for medical reasons I do not comprehend, what Eve had
to do was carry the baby to term and deliver it, dead as a door nail. She
carried the damaged fetus two more months and gave birth to Death.
I'll
leave all the excruciating ironies of that for you to sort through—I'm waiting
until I get to ask God about it.
So,
Adam and Eve lived their lives as if in a web of sorrow. They went to work.
They prepared and ate meals. They tried to behave normally in an insane
situation. And finally, mercifully, Eve went into labor and delivered her dead
child after 10 hours of pain that did not lead to life.
I
was there near the end (summons, not on my own). I waited with family from both
sides. All this happened in a 'birthing room' of a major hospital. On the door
of the room, the staff had put a painting of a black rose. The other doors had
blue roses or pink roses on them. In a place of such expectation and
possibility, there was this little island of pain—cold, damning pain.
A
black rose.
In
that 'birthing room', we took turns holding that dead baby—so perfect in every
way except she could not, would not ever breathe or laugh or cry or live. And I baptized her, not
even sure what I was doing theologically, not caring really, knowing only that
it gave some tiny sliver of comfort to people as beaten down, exhausted and
condemned to pain as anyone could be. I spoke her name—a name she would never
hear or be known by or have nicknames derived from. And I know, from having
been through it with both of my wife's pregnancies, what Adam and Eve did,
before those horrendous weeks when she found out she was incubating death. They
had played out their baby's life a thousand times. They had, in their minds,
taken her to the baby-sitter and picked her up, listened and watched for her
first words and steps. They had lived with her, through their imaginations—seen
her through childhood diseases, off to school and even as the woman she would
become giving them grandchildren. That's what expectant parents do—live out
their child's life in their hearts, wondering how she'll react to Christmas, if
she'll like cats or dogs, what her voice will sound like, if she'll be musical.
There is seemingly no limit to the human mind's ability to project life into
the future when a baby is coming.
(A
related aside: no one I know—even me—takes miscarriages seriously enough.
Couples who suffer miscarriages have done the same imaginative living out of
their child's life as someone who gives birth to a dead baby. And yet I've
never heard any clergy talk about the two in the same way or with the same
seriousness. Since miscarriages are usually the result of injury to the mother
or a damaged fetus, people don't seem to assume it was a 'baby'. But I believe
the pain is the same as losing
I
was with Adam and Eve for several hours between the baptism and the funeral. I
mostly said nothing and did nothing. There was nothing to say and even less to
do. All that mattered was being there—and even that only mattered tangentially.
So
the day came. The service at the church was solemn and tearful. The long ride
to a rural cemetery seemed to be without end. And as we stood in the snow
beside that tiny little coffin, the temperature was in the teens and the
wind-chill near zero. A bitter day for a bitter task.
It
was then that I noticed the spray of flowers on the coffin. They were roses and
baby-breath—red roses instead of black and the breath that baby would never
draw. There was a ribbon amid the flowers that said: OUR LITTLE ANGLE.
The
florist must have been dyslexic and reversed the E and L so that the message
seemed to refer to a small geometrical shape rather than a celestial being. As
I prayed the prayers at the grave, I prayed as well that I was the only one who
had noticed the 'angle' on the ribbon. But as the short, freezing service drew
to an end, I notices Adam shaking his head and biting his lip. Then he nudged
Eve with his elbow through their winter coats and nodded to the coffin. She saw
it, realized what it meant and I committed their child to the earth while they
choked back laughter.
A
little later, at a relative's house near the cemetery, Adam and Eve and I drank
alcohol and laughed out loud. They hadn't laughed since that awful day two
months ago. They had gone through the motions of life, completed tasks,
prepared and half-eaten dinners, laid down to sleep with Death in Eve's
belly—but they hadn't laughed, they told me, not once, until then.
Laughter
at a transposed 'e' and 'l' gave them back a bit of their lives. They
went on. Moved to another state. Had a baby. They called me from a far-away
hospital to tell me about Tilitha, their wonderous child. I noted without
mentioning it that they had named her what Jesus called the little girl he
raised from death. “Tilitha cum”, he said, and the dead lived. I can only
imagine that was what they experienced—resurrection from the death of their
baby.
Every
week or so I drive my dog to the oldest cemetery in Cheshire and walk him like
I walked the dog before him. There is a section of the graveyard I call 'the
Peanut Gallery' because only children are buried there. Often, around the birth
days on the stones and around holidays, I'll discover little gifts on those
tiny graves. I've walked that path for almost two decades now. I've seen fresh
graves, yet without a stone and the toys left on the just turned earth. Through
the seasons I've seen turkeys at Thanksgiving, Jack-o-lanterns near Halloween,
Christmas symbols, little crosses of palms and Easter eggs on those graves.
I've seen it all. And I've seen, over the years, the Barbie doll's in disarray,
the tiny trucks rusting, the mouldering stuff animals. People do tend to get on
with life. My favorite grave is of a teenage girl. (Is having a 'favorite
grave' too macabre?) Her name matters now. Names, as important as they are,
pale in the cosmic stillness of death. But on her gravestone is says this:
Caring, kind and fiercely free,
She
moves on impatiently.
I especially fond
of the present tense of “moves”. I'm not at all sure what I think about the
mysterious door we all approach, but I'm glad they didn't put 'moved on'. It
leaves the whole question of death up in the air a bit—dynamic and full of
possibilities.
And
I think the words are a wonderful way to say good-bye to a dead daughter. I'm
half in love with that 16 year old. She'd be nearing 40 now on this side of the
Door. Who know where she moves on the other side.
For
the living and the dead, there might just be life after funerals after
all.
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